There was no grief
I felt free
Unwrapped in relief
Dropped to my knees
Clutched my chest
And said thank you please
Despair lifted
Angelic dreams
The war inside me ceased
The forecasted future
Was wiped clean
Stove unplugged
No more worrying about threes
Ghost metrics
Acidic rhetoric
Babies hidden in trees
Occupied beds
Extra deadheads
It’s over
That’s my four leaf clover
I create
To be consumed
Fingers in my mouth
What texture are the syllables?
Symbols swirling in my throat
Too abstract for you?
Ink dripping off my tongue
I speak from my chest
Because I like the flavor
Inch by inch
I widened the river between us
On purpose
With resistance
In pain
Without chaos
A slow bleed
A calm storm
I veiled myself in fog
And I knew
You thought I was gone
I swallowed my longings
On the far bank
My heart kept watch
I couldn’t think a thought
Without you contaminating the dew drops
Collapse poured down on me
Tears dripped off my jaw
I rejected you
Intentionally
Repeatedly
With a force
That bent me
I prayed for you to give up
Skip a stone
Bruise your knuckles climbing trees
Follow a butterfly into the woods
Stop looking for me because
Your current
Makes me melt
Your waves
Punch my gut
Of all the faces that you’ve shown
What I love most about you
Is the way you leave me alone
When you ask the universe to feel empowered
You will draw in people who make you feel small
When you long to be stronger
You will be placed in situations that make you feel weak
When you are building self-trust
False narratives are spread about you
When you begin to claim your independence
Your foundations lose stability
When your intention is to grow
Storms roll in to fortify your seeds
Earth is not a prison
The people around you are not here to punish you
It’s a training ground
Where your soul knows exactly the conditions required
To blossom the fruits
I prayed over the soil
Corpses buried under crops
Jungles of secrets
Ruptures at each seam
A needle without the thread
Stay out of my dreams
Pretend that it’s the end
I’m seeing red
And there’s nothing behind your eyes
Who are you without your lies
My heart panics
Watching your soul go rancid
It was sand
Not cement
I stopped construction
And started dreaming
Materials from the clouds
Wishes from the earth
Stones layered
Tulips buried like the dead
I feel the heartbeats of people I haven’t met yet
Pages have been ripped from my book
Chapters scribbled out
Words banned
Demons summoned
I grieve those missing sentences
Mirrors are up
What is the truth?
Slice me open
Turn my heart to ash
Pain is the force required
To open the portal
Chaos colors my road map
Some epiphanies are being saved for later
Many experiences I cherish
Many make me shudder
I wouldn’t wish these feelings on anyone else
But I also want to keep them all to myself
The wounds are still rivers
The wolves consumed the moon
The wisdom has not bubbled up
The window is still fogged
The well is covered in slugs
The walls are hemorrhaging
My hands are in the air
The isn’t the dream I dreamed of
I left a space
Dripping in lace
Red straps
I wanted a kiss
But I got slapped
I was hoping to get replaced
With regret
Not with an empty set
Of ghost chasing
In my chest
I didn’t think it was a race
But for the first time I tasted my strength
This pain has length
It’s long and large
My empty suitcase
I locked myself in a hotel room
My heart has imprints of the cage
I slipped and slung in the slum
While my grief recalled rage
A forest set on fire
It won’t rain for 9 more winters
Paint to a painter
It won’t dry for 9 more summers
The account is in my name
I should have never acted like a scavenger
And started the game
I was just a passenger
I held the flag
Then I became the rag
Sometimes the road just ends. The comfort becomes poison. The structure becomes rotten. I started to think that love isn’t enough. Love is plenty enough, it’s just that that wasn’t love.
Allyson is a writer, world traveler and future naturopathic doctor. This blog is her personal collection of poetry and art.
