I didn’t build a lighthouse on purpose
Don’t start construction inside me
Because I know you won’t
Have the patience to understand
The ecology of my mind
To sit down
To untangle my thoughts
Thread by thread
Dear you might end up dead
It’s cold in here
But only when you’re close
I won’t even let you try
Shut your ears
Close your eyes
Keep on drifting by
Browsing tag: love
Love That Over-Powers
I had to pause and stare off into space for a while before putting my fingers on the keyboard to type. I am thinking about where I was one year ago, who I loved, and what I felt.
There were frequent sensations of fog. And I would often feel lost and blocked. I yearned to step into my power and passion, but was blocked by my dead-end relationship & lack of foundations and support.
I think a lot about who I was back in Thailand and I shiver when I picture returning to that phase of my life. Because my heart broke into a million pieces and sometimes I feel like it will never go back to the way it was. Like a vibrant and naive child before war.
When I search deep within my heart, I cannot understand how I was able to love like I did. Open, exposed, ready to carry any burden, and sacrifice anything available to keep the fire burning.
I am still afraid of how enduring that love was. How weak and un-established my self-power was to allow my heart to pour out.
When we make it through intense relationships like this, we check in with ourselves: Do I still love them? // Will I ever love like that again? // How would I react if they walked through the door right now?
I remember my chest burning from anger. Feeling drained after talking in circles, explaining my point of view. Unheard. Dismissed. Ignored. Feeling sad and defeated after a text I sent was read, but not replied.
Today, I am free. Today, I dance around and run through fields of flowers without looking back. I’m weird. I’m honest. And I am so loved.
For the first time, I know what it’s like to be cherished. Enveloped in warmth & care. By some one who would die for me. Who loves me when I am weak, when I am strong, when I am cranky, when I am in pain, when I am fun, and when I am stressed. Who in your life has the strength to lift you? Who has the courage to lean on you? Who is the one who brings you peace?
The solution to finding true love is, sometimes, loving the wrong person, loving too hard, or not enough. We have to suffer so much that we make it a point to create the antidote.
Kill all hope. Stop fighting. The right one won’t let you walk away.
It’s okay to let yourself die. I know it is scary to watch yourself fall, but you will be born again. Born better. Stronger. And the most important thing to remember is that you are the priority, the most precious, the flower. Not the bees.
Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth
Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth
LISTEN
I promise you
That it is getting better
Imagine driving
Thinking
Daydreaming
In LOVE
And realize
You are HAPPY
And not only happy
But straight BLESSED
Whoever hurt you
Is waking up today
At the same time
Realizing
How much better it used to be
When you were around
Because GIRL
You are the light
The lavender fields
And volcano sunsets
That keep the rest of us going
You are hope
And don’t you waste ANY time
Feeling sad about people
Who are infested with demons
Who are BLIND
To your shine
You helped them more than you know
But now
It’s time for you
To
Step
Into
Your
POWER
I was literally driving today on my way to teach yoga and realized that my present is so much better than my past. I was so happy that I felt bitter because of how I had allowed myself to be subjected to such low frequencies.
I kept saying yes to the wrong people and getting tangled up in the wrong situations over and over again. Until I hit the lowest of the lows: the breaking point: the self intervention: the collapse into despair.
It has been one year of processing through my own shit that was triggered, realizing that I am worth much more than the people around me were treating me as and saying NO over and over again because I am not going to take whatever I can get. I want the best of the best. And it has arrived.
This poem was inspired by things people have said to me, things I’ve said to myself, and things I want to say to any woman whose worth has not been fully realized by the people around her.
Stay blessed x
Karmic Love
Spiders are crawling out of my eyes. There are cactuses knotted in my hair. I haven’t showered in 6 days. There’s food on the floor and daddy roaches are slithering around for scraps. I saw an ant get eaten by another ant. I’m dreaming about sucking on your tongue and swallowing your morning breath. I’m nasty filthy longing for you. I thought you would stay, but all you do is walk away.
The Two Seedlings
It was a thoroughly confusing time. We felt so lost. It became dark and it was difficult to see the string that held our hearts together. We didn’t know how to navigate without breaking apart. Without hurting each other.
There were some things that were necessary for us to realize. But we had to do it apart.
It caused a lot of pain. But the pain taught us something. We learned how to grow into our own spirit.
So, we grew like seeds and broke through the dirt despite all that weighed us down. And, now, we are blossoming. Now, we have even deeper roots to ground us.
We are each other’s sun and rain. We help each other.
Finally, we are finding our way back to intertwine. It is a special feeling to know that the storm has passed and we are side by side again. To know that no matter the damage, nothing can stop what is meant to be.
We are stronger together, but, now, we know how strong we can be on our own too.
Skin
The wind blows
And knocks me over
I see your skin
And I’m weak I’m weak I’m weak
Allyson Sydney
Love
I’ve never wanted anything so bad in my entire life!
And I have to pretend like I don’t want it!
Because every time I ask
I get another stab
Or hand around my neck
You are not my companion
You are my murderer
Poems For My Ex
Preface
For all the pain that you see in my writing, know that I experienced two-fold the amount of love and happiness. Relationships are beautiful because they cause you to feel. Break-ups are amazing because you can turn every inch of suffering into wisdom and growth. This is my third major break-up. It’s funny because we always ask why is this happening and believe that that person was our one true soulmate. I think so, but we have more than one. And, always, the next one we meet is better than the last. I’m walking alone again and it feels right. I’ve finally reached that place where I am not looking back on the past so much, longing, or questioning. I am healing. I have written so much about this break up as it has put gasoline on my creative fire. So, to my ex, thank you, I love you, and I release you.
Here are 8 of my favorite pieces:
#1
The most painful memory is the one where I had my arms wrapped around your neck. Looking up at you because you’re so tall and you said to me while the music hummed behind your voice that you wanted to be with me forever. I love your eyes and kissing you. Your words were the glow that brightened the fact that I wasn’t just building a house, I was building a sky scraper in my heart. But slowly you began removing the doors, then the windows, the stairs, and all the metal. Leaving only a pile of crumbled cement. That fleeting moment of love, labeled with eternal, revealed itself to be just a story of how a great big tower came to be destroyed.
#2
I’ve spent so much time wishing
For a cloud in the sky
A ghost in the attic
But truly
I don’t want storms
Or to be hauntedRead More
What My Failed Relationship Has Taught Me
I recently ended a relationship with some one I was completely in love with. The failure of the relationship was not because we did not love each other, but because we did not love ourselves. He had some heavy personal things to sort through. And I chose a person who was not fully available to me. Our bond, the glue that was holding us together, crumbled before us and we just stood there knowing there was nothing to be done. Our life paths were not going side by side anymore. The road forked and I had to watch my lover veer off. He is my soulmate–a feeling of comfort and familiarity washes over me when we are together, we have a simultaneous friendship and chemistry. Its sad to see him go, but I know I will see him again in another life. And I also know that I have more than one soulmate.
I remember our final conversation saying “I just want to help you.” I wanted to give and give and do anything I could to ease his suffering. He said: “You can’t. I need to do this on my own.” And I agreed. Its so difficult to see the one’s you love drowning in their own self-inflicted pain. You think with the right advice and therapies that you can help them. But it is impossible. Each person is on their own path. Each person deals with trauma in their own way. Each person develops in their own time. Step 4 for you might be step 76 for another person. You have to grow in your own way, on your own. Sometimes the couple can grow together, but for all human souls it is necessary to give yourself time to grow on your own.
Why Do I Feel Guilty? – H O M E S I C K N E S S
You want to see the world, but that means leaving the people you love, your comforts, stability, familiarity, and routines. For me, this is exactly the reason to explore new horizons: for the change, excitement, and novelty. In fact, new places and new people draw me away.
There have been many instances where homesickness has seeped into my blood stream. Usually when things aren’t going smoothly or there is something exciting going on at home. Please note, difficult times always pass, holidays and birthdays pass, and home becomes boring again. Everything changes.
I have three younger brothers: ages 5, 8, and 19 years old. I am the oldest sister, but I am never around. I am always half way across the world. The 19-year-old and I mostly communicate to each other by sending memes on Instagram. I can’t even directly communicate with the youngest two. I told my Dad to tell them that I said Goodnight and I love you one evening and he replied that the youngest forgot who I was. I hope that’s not true, but it shatters my heart.
I am guilty of not being around for my brothers. There will always be times when they need me, but I am not there. Interestingly, I am a kindergarten teacher, surrounded by young children, teaching them and giving them my love, yet I don’t do this for the two children whom I share a father with.
How do I deal with this guilt?
I am so honored that you’re here.
