FALLING
I am in this phase of transforming right now. I am metabolizing pain and alchemizing it to wisdom. In the beginning, it was terrifying. Like jumping from a height, falling, unsure of the ground beneath me. Where will I land? How will I land? Anticipating the impact. Feeling the wind. But the wisdom is in trusting that fate is moving pieces around me. I am certain that the bottoms of my feet will touch earth again.
CHRYSALIS
The old version of me has died. And so now enters the phase where I no longer exist while simultaneously I am in the process of becoming. The timeline has folded into itself. It’s the archetype of the hermit. I am in a chrysalis. And did you know that when the caterpillar is in the chrysalis they are actually just a mush of enzymes and insect parts?
What’s next? I am patient as the new version of me begins to materialize.
STIMULUS
All the people around me are so busy. Constantly talking on the phone, going somewhere, running an errand, working, tinkering, listening, watching. When is there a moment you can just be alone with your thoughts? Is it in the shower? Is it before you fall asleep at night? I love stimulation as well. Especially as a medical student, I am constantly chasing information, listening, practicing, completing tasks, scanning for patterns, moving, absorbing.
MEDITATION
But I do long for the quiet hum of nothingness. I crave sitting on my warm floor, crossed legs, eyes closed, just being. Meditation is sacred. It’s laborious. It requires persistence. The time I spend giving space to my thoughts, dreams, fears, body sensations, rehashing experiences, projecting onto the future is important. It is especially important as I move through this liminal space.
Information comes to me. It gives reflection a place to unfold. Ideas have a place to land. Insight arrives. My inner world expands. It keeps getting bigger and bigger. I need the space to plan, strategize, and execute it. They say meditation helps you become less reactive and more flow. This work gives me the ability to slow down time and act with discernment.
EXPANSION
I am building realities around me using my thoughts.
My mind is a garden. My thoughts are the seeds. What do I want to be able to harvest a year from now?
My mind is a radio. My thoughts are the stations. What frequency do I want to tune to?
When it comes to disease, we look at food, activity, habits. Are we looking at the habits of our thoughts? What do you think about all day? I am aware of my thoughts as I am thinking them. I am building the muscle of changing the station.
This is a transformation led by my soul, not my primitive human self. And I think we can only hear what our soul has to say when we quiet out the world.
RELEASE
The recent collection of years have been rapid fire from the universe. God has presented challenge after challenge. I went down so many paths. I’ve fallen and got back up gracefully, messily. I’ve tripped, skipped, ran and crawled away from and towards sequences of my existence.
It has been a series of open heart surgeries. How many times am I meant to crack my chest open? The reward is resilience. Pain is the spark. And eventually I will start crying less. But I will never stop fighting back.