I was like a little baby sponge soaking up the energies of the people around me. Especially the bad parts. I thought that I could take the weight of this whole world if it meant people could feel happy for a second. Who could think like this? I didnt realize how much it would hurt me. Steal me away from me. I jumped into everything all blind. But it wasnt a mistake. This was part of my path. And now the flowers are blooming again for Spring. It’s a great fucking time to be me right now. I’m glowing and I’ve been granted all the gifts of the universe. I’ll never be in the clear though. There’s a scared little child shaking at the thought of what might come next. Too afraid to look forward because of what has touched her in the past. I can’t do anything about what happened to me. Except be grateful because it brought me here. And life is fucking perfect at the moment. What should I say to her? Because Winter will come again. There will be forest fires and unexpected disasters. But today I am the sun. And I’ve proven that I know how to twist tragedy into transformation.
A personal story about how I learned (still always learning) to accept myself, my experience in Thailand, and stay connected with my spirituality.
My spirituality sprouted from the roots of my soul while I was in college. I had ended an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and it wrecked me. My university offered free yoga classes at the gym and I started going to them every day.
Yoga class was not just an exercise, it was also about spiritual growth and coping with trauma. During meditation at the end of class, the instructor would come around and massage our temples with lavender essential oil. They would read us quotes and excerpts about letting go of anger, being in the present, finding yourself, etc. It validated that I was lost, that I needed to get back on the path, and build a fulfilling life. Back then, I was learning about all these ideas for the first time and so they begun to change me.
I became so intrigued with yoga that I minored in Asian Studies. The philosophy, religion, history, and art of Southeast Asia and India fascinated me. I read excerpts from the Bhagavad Gita, Daodejing, and other Buddhist and Hindu texts in my philosophy and history courses. The texts put my abstract, unorganized thoughts into eloquent ideas. It explained things that I felt I had always known deep down in simple ways.
While in college, I volunteered in Ghana and taught yoga to pregnant women. I worked with them one on one, with a translator, and taught them poses to help relieve pain and release tension. The women and the nurses in the clinic were very receptive and excited about what I taught.
All I wanted was to travel, see new places, experience new cultures. I had a longing to go to Asia that I knew I would never let go of. Eventually, timing and opportunity aligned and I packed up and moved to Thailand.