I had to pause and stare off into space for a while before putting my fingers on the keyboard to type. I am thinking about where I was one year ago, who I loved, and what I felt.
There were frequent sensations of fog. And I would often feel lost and blocked. I yearned to step into my power and passion, but was blocked by my dead-end relationship & lack of foundations and support.
I think a lot about who I was back in Thailand and I shiver when I picture returning to that phase of my life. Because my heart broke into a million pieces and sometimes I feel like it will never go back to the way it was. Like a vibrant and naive child before war.
When I search deep within my heart, I cannot understand how I was able to love like I did. Open, exposed, ready to carry any burden, and sacrifice anything available to keep the fire burning.
I am still afraid of how enduring that love was. How weak and un-established my self-power was to allow my heart to pour out.
When we make it through intense relationships like this, we check in with ourselves: Do I still love them? // Will I ever love like that again? // How would I react if they walked through the door right now?
I remember my chest burning from anger. Feeling drained after talking in circles, explaining my point of view. Unheard. Dismissed. Ignored. Feeling sad and defeated after a text I sent was read, but not replied.
Today, I am free. Today, I dance around and run through fields of flowers without looking back. I’m weird. I’m honest. And I am so loved.
For the first time, I know what it’s like to be cherished. Enveloped in warmth & care. By some one who would die for me. Who loves me when I am weak, when I am strong, when I am cranky, when I am in pain, when I am fun, and when I am stressed. Who in your life has the strength to lift you? Who has the courage to lean on you? Who is the one who brings you peace?
The solution to finding true love is, sometimes, loving the wrong person, loving too hard, or not enough. We have to suffer so much that we make it a point to create the antidote.
Kill all hope. Stop fighting. The right one won’t let you walk away.
It’s okay to let yourself die. I know it is scary to watch yourself fall, but you will be born again. Born better. Stronger. And the most important thing to remember is that you are the priority, the most precious, the flower. Not the bees.