Things have gone wrong. But maybe they were meant to. Maybe the hard way is the only way I know how to learn. Sometimes it takes getting stripped and beaten to make me choose to put the right things on. I might have to repaint the walls over and over. My taste for the right color changes. Nothing is set in stone either. Its all maleable.
Especially my brain. I can rewire my mind if I want to. Reset all the patterns that aren’t protecting me anymore. The mean voice that tells me not to forgive myself is wrong. The relentless matter of whether or not I can trust myself. The mistakes I made. The toxic energies I was drawn to. The depressive emotions and explosive waterfalls of anger. They’re not meant to have a home inside me.
What am I leaning on to hide from my truth? A cigarette on the balcony? A coffee at 3pm? Kissing the stranger from London? I won’t let my sensations melt into mud. I need to feel it so I can release it like a dandelion seed.
The ghosts in draping cloths are screaming inside my ribcage. Fear is tapping at my bones. Fear is under my tongue. Fear is in my pillow case talking to me in my dreams. I’ll say hi for you. I never knew how to call it by its name. Anxiety or nerves. Running. Butterflies in my belly.
All the things that I fear are things that have already happened. I was so afraid of getting left, I did everything I could to hold my power. I didnt want to hurt anyone, but I was okay with hurting myself. So I lived and relived and loved all those that pushed me into the soil.
I’m good at suffering. Of playing the tortured artist. Depressed under the sheets. Sunshine coming in through the window while I prayed for rain. No energy to even take a shower or eat. Let me die here. But I ended up getting kicked out. Like a seed breaking through the dirt. I wrote and stabbed my guts out until they were squeezed dry with poems. I cried under my desk at work. I even escaped to an island.
But it was time that helped me. It was allowing the dandelion seeds to fly into the wind. Each day I got farther and farther from where the boat took off. I’m relieved to be here today. Free. Detached. Unlocked. Feeling equanimity for the people and events of the past. It is not pain anymore. It’s a lesson.