I recently ended a relationship with some one I was completely in love with. The failure of the relationship was not because we did not love each other, but because we did not love ourselves. He had some heavy personal things to sort through. And I chose a person who was not fully available to me. Our bond, the glue that was holding us together, crumbled before us and we just stood there knowing there was nothing to be done. Our life paths were not going side by side anymore. The road forked and I had to watch my lover veer off. He is my soulmate–a feeling of comfort and familiarity washes over me when we are together, we have a simultaneous friendship and chemistry. Its sad to see him go, but I know I will see him again in another life. And I also know that I have more than one soulmate.
I remember our final conversation saying “I just want to help you.” I wanted to give and give and do anything I could to ease his suffering. He said: “You can’t. I need to do this on my own.” And I agreed. Its so difficult to see the one’s you love drowning in their own self-inflicted pain. You think with the right advice and therapies that you can help them. But it is impossible. Each person is on their own path. Each person deals with trauma in their own way. Each person develops in their own time. Step 4 for you might be step 76 for another person. You have to grow in your own way, on your own. Sometimes the couple can grow together, but for all human souls it is necessary to give yourself time to grow on your own.
I had been single for 5 years before him and I got together. I was getting chased by boys and chasing some as well, traveling, going to places by myself, and growing on my own. As soon as you think you have it figured out, the Universe comes at you with another challenge and humbles you right back down. Why did I choose a person who couldn’t love me fully? Why did I choose a person who was using me as a distraction from their dark parts? Why did I choose a person who needs help?
Of course, in the beginning, I had no idea that this was the reality. But, subconsciously, this is what I attracted and was attracted to. Reflecting, there were signs and intuitions that I had, but chose to continue investing in the relationship.
At first, I was angry with myself. How could I do this to myself? I should have been smarter! But how could I have been smarter without this experience? The things that don’t work are not failures. They are experiences. They are beautiful lessons of love and loss that remind you how fully you are living your life.
Yogis believe that 2 of the 5 obstacles that lead to suffering are the feeling of happiness you get from a subject and the feeling of sadness when the subject goes away. The subject can be a person, object, idea, anything. This is attachment. So yes, I am sad that he has gone away, but its fading quickly. I recognize that now, I am free. I will not hold onto the past because its like cradling a corpse. I am so lucky that now I can work on myself and continue sorting through all my personal stuff.
If I was so willing to give and help another, why can’t I do this to myself? I nourished him with little gifts, food, compliments, love, generosity, attention, and time. I realized that all this energy needs to be spent on myself. Because I also need healing, love, and self-actualization. I ask myself things like: if this happened to a friend, would I defend her? So I stick up for myself. What am I saying to myself inside my head? So I compliment and assure myself over and over again when my mind goes onto a negative track.
I am working on not ruminating in the past, spending too much time creating stories about the future, and gripping too tightly to my emotions. Everything changes. Quickly. If you feel something, it is for a reason. Ask questions, feel it, think about it, act on it if you need to, but don’t hold it for too long. You can explore your thoughts through meditation. You can also quiet them and let your soul speak. Meditation is my favorite tool to figure it all out, process, and get answers.
How have I expressed my creativity today? How have I worked out my body and mind today? What have I given to myself today? Each day is a very important opportunity to, little by little, make it to that place where your heart is full and overflowing with love and you’re living out your life’s purpose. As I write this, I have not made it there quite yet, but I am on my way. This journey is so beautiful.