Why Do I Feel Guilty? – H O M E S I C K N E S S

You want to see the world, but that means leaving the people you love, your comforts, stability, familiarity, and routines. For me, this is exactly the reason to explore new horizons: for the change, excitement, and novelty. In fact, new places and new people draw me away.

There have been many instances where homesickness has seeped into my blood stream. Usually when things aren’t going smoothly or there is something exciting going on at home. Please note, difficult times always pass, holidays and birthdays pass, and home becomes boring again. Everything changes.

I have three younger brothers: ages 5, 8, and 19 years old. I am the oldest sister, but I am never around. I am always half way across the world. The 19-year-old and I mostly communicate to each other by sending memes on Instagram. I can’t even directly communicate with the youngest two. I told my Dad to tell them that I said Goodnight and I love you one evening and he replied that the youngest forgot who I was. I hope that’s not true, but it shatters my heart.

I am guilty of not being around for my brothers. There will always be times when they need me, but I am not there. Interestingly, I am a kindergarten teacher, surrounded by young children, teaching them and giving them my love, yet I don’t do this for the two children whom I share a father with.

How do I deal with this guilt?

Writing this out now burns my heart and is putting me on the brink of tears. What would be the solution? Move back home and be around all the time for my brothers? That would mean sacrificing my dreams, my life, changing my path for some one else.

Should you ever make decisions based on pleasing some one else? I have learned and been advised that you should follow your bliss. Be yourself. I am traveling and living abroad because it pleases me and I think that it will make me a better person. Don’t sacrifice  A N Y T H I N G  for your mom, your aunt, your dad, grandparents, siblings, best friends, boyfriends, etc.

If you want to do something or be some one, give yourself permission.

If you hold yourself back, you could end up harming yourself and the people around you. Worry about yourself. Believe in yourself.

There will be people to urge you on your path, but there will also be tests. Feeling guilty can be seen as a test. Listen to your feelings and observe. If you are confused, wait for more information to come, and then decide. Always follow your heart and do what is best for YOU. Sometimes there are instances when it is a good choice to go back home, but only you know the right decision.

If you are in your 20’s, this is the beginning of your life. Maybe the place where you grew up is not meant to be your home forever. These changes and realizations bring on foreign and uncomfortable feelings. What do you want?

I get homesick, but I know that the place where I grew up, where my family and friends live, is no longer my home. That small town has not changed. Everyone will give me lots of attention for the first few days, then I will sink into the daily routines. Sometimes, I feel like an outsider to my family. I have been out of the loop for so long that it isolates me. Blame it on the time difference!

Exploring the world or moving to a new city does not mean you are off at war. You can come back to visit anytime you want. How do you deal with the guilt of being away from your loved ones while traveling?

2 thoughts on “Why Do I Feel Guilty? – H O M E S I C K N E S S

  • Reply Pem McNerney June 6, 2018 at 1:51 am

    Hi! This piece is very thoughtful. Thank you for writing it. As someone who also left home after college (although just to go across the country, rather than around the world), I found the same thing you did. I experienced homesickness and loss while at the same time discovering new friends, adventures, and, in fact, my true self. I’m not sure I would have become who I am today without having left home, and I like who I am today. I’m glad I had parents and friends back home who helped me stay connected over the years by passing on information they received from me to my siblings and friends. Maybe your dad could help you with this, by making sure when you communicate with him, he passes the good tidings along, with the many photos you share as well! You’ve been so generous with your experiences in writing and through photography that there is a wealth of material. Another thought, I found that years and years and years after I left home, when I was ready to reconnect, my good, true friends welcomed me and were eager to get to know the person I had become, as I was delighted to get reacquainted with them. I’m confident your travels and adventures will help you become the best you. Your feelings of homesickness, while difficult, are a normal part of the process and will help you stay connected to those you left behind. It can be hard, but sometimes the best things in life take us down difficult paths. Good luck, m’dear and looking forward to reading more! Your friend, Pem

    • Reply Allyson Sydney June 6, 2018 at 10:12 am

      Wow! Thank you Pem for your kind, thoughtful, and encouraging words. Yes, homesickness is part of the journey and it is something I will learn to accept. I hope that I can find my true self as well and become as wise as you. Thanks for supporting my writing and my journey. Cant wait to see you again when I come back <3

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