• Love That Over-Powers

    I had to pause and stare off into space for a while before putting my fingers on the keyboard to type. I am thinking about where I was one year ago, who I loved, and what I felt.

    There were frequent sensations of fog. And I would often feel lost and blocked. I yearned to step into my power and passion, but was blocked by my dead-end relationship & lack of foundations and support.

    I think a lot about who I was back in Thailand and I shiver when I picture returning to that phase of my life. Because my heart broke into a million pieces and sometimes I feel like it will never go back to the way it was. Like a vibrant and naive child before war.

    When I search deep within my heart, I cannot understand how I was able to love like I did. Open, exposed, ready to carry any burden, and sacrifice anything available to keep the fire burning.

    I am still afraid of how enduring that love was. How weak and un-established my self-power was to allow my heart to pour out.

    When we make it through intense relationships like this, we check in with ourselves: Do I still love them? // Will I ever love like that again? // How would I react if they walked through the door right now?

    I remember my chest burning from anger. Feeling drained after talking in circles, explaining my point of view. Unheard. Dismissed. Ignored. Feeling sad and defeated after a text I sent was read, but not replied.

    Today, I am free. Today, I dance around and run through fields of flowers without looking back. I’m weird. I’m honest. And I am so loved.

    For the first time, I know what it’s like to be cherished. Enveloped in warmth & care. By some one who would die for me. Who loves me when I am weak, when I am strong, when I am cranky, when I am in pain, when I am fun, and when I am stressed. Who in your life has the strength to lift you? Who has the courage to lean on you? Who is the one who brings you peace?

    The solution to finding true love is, sometimes, loving the wrong person, loving too hard, or not enough. We have to suffer so much that we make it a point to create the antidote.

    Kill all hope. Stop fighting. The right one won’t let you walk away.

    It’s okay to let yourself die. I know it is scary to watch yourself fall, but you will be born again. Born better. Stronger. And the most important thing to remember is that you are the priority, the most precious, the flower. Not the bees.

  • Cutting Ties

    When I reflect on the amount of people who have walked in and out in my life … I see that I am the one who does most of the walking. Not because I am strong, but because I am in pain. My ego is bruised. “How dare I be treated like this” Because it is easier to hide my hurt feelings in anger. Because I feel them under my skin. Because I dont want to be the one abandoned. Because it is safer to cut them out like a tumor and try to never think about them again.

    I am ashamed of the amount of people that i’ve cut off and blocked. I knew that person’s role in my play was over and I disgraced them to the exit without any gratitude or closure.

    There are no two ways about the fact that each person i’ve ever had the opportunity to grow close to has been so important and necessary to me, my soul, and my life’s work, even though most of them are no longer around. And that’s okay. Forgive me as I am forgiving myself for any of my actions that are without love. I’m not perfect & I never will be. Thank you x

  • Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    LISTEN
    I promise you
    That it is getting better
    Imagine driving
    Thinking
    Daydreaming
    In LOVE
    And realize
    You are HAPPY
    And not only happy
    But straight BLESSED
    Whoever hurt you
    Is waking up today
    At the same time
    Realizing
    How much better it used to be
    When you were around
    Because GIRL
    You are the light
    The lavender fields
    And volcano sunsets
    That keep the rest of us going
    You are hope
    And don’t you waste ANY time
    Feeling sad about people
    Who are infested with demons
    Who are BLIND
    To your shine
    You helped them more than you know
    But now
    It’s time for you
    To
    Step
    Into
    Your
    POWER

    I was literally driving today on my way to teach yoga and realized that my present is so much better than my past. I was so happy that I felt bitter because of how I had allowed myself to be subjected to such low frequencies.

    I kept saying yes to the wrong people and getting tangled up in the wrong situations over and over again. Until I hit the lowest of the lows: the breaking point: the self intervention: the collapse into despair.

    It has been one year of processing through my own shit that was triggered, realizing that I am worth much more than the people around me were treating me as and saying NO over and over again because I am not going to take whatever I can get. I want the best of the best. And it has arrived.

    This poem was inspired by things people have said to me, things I’ve said to myself, and things I want to say to any woman whose worth has not been fully realized by the people around her.

    Stay blessed x

  • The Two Seedlings

    It was a thoroughly confusing time. We felt so lost. It became dark and it was difficult to see the string that held our hearts together. We didn’t know how to navigate without breaking apart. Without hurting each other.

    There were some things that were necessary for us to realize. But we had to do it apart.

    It caused a lot of pain. But the pain taught us something. We learned how to grow into our own spirit.

    So, we grew like seeds and broke through the dirt despite all that weighed us down. And, now, we are blossoming. Now, we have even deeper roots to ground us.

    We are each other’s sun and rain. We help each other.

    Finally, we are finding our way back to intertwine. It is a special feeling to know that the storm has passed and we are side by side again. To know that no matter the damage, nothing can stop what is meant to be.

    We are stronger together, but, now, we know how strong we can be on our own too.

  • What My Failed Relationship Has Taught Me

    I recently ended a relationship with some one I was completely in love with. The failure of the relationship was not because we did not love each other, but because we did not love ourselves. He had some heavy personal things to sort through. And I chose a person who was not fully available to me. Our bond, the glue that was holding us together, crumbled before us and we just stood there knowing there was nothing to be done. Our life paths were not going side by side anymore. The road forked and I had to watch my lover veer off. He is my soulmate–a feeling of comfort and familiarity washes over me when we are together, we have a simultaneous friendship and chemistry. Its sad to see him go, but I know I will see him again in another life. And I also know that I have more than one soulmate.

    I remember our final conversation saying “I just want to help you.” I wanted to give and give and do anything I could to ease his suffering. He said: “You can’t. I need to do this on my own.” And I agreed. Its so difficult to see the one’s you love drowning in their own self-inflicted pain. You think with the right advice and therapies that you can help them. But it is impossible. Each person is on their own path. Each person deals with trauma in their own way. Each person develops in their own time. Step 4 for you might be step 76 for another person. You have to grow in your own way, on your own. Sometimes the couple can grow together, but for all human souls it is necessary to give yourself time to grow on your own.

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