• In Memory of Tobey Martin

    The last time Tobey and I spoke was October 30th, 2019. I had (now, painfully ironic) sent him a Facebook message asking if he was still alive. Joking, but also slightly concerned. It had been months since we last connected and I know he avoided using a phone or social media.

    He had told me that he just finished a yoga teacher training in India, had left New Life, and the world was his. Happy Days, he said.

    I found out this morning that he was in Southern Thailand. I had wondered where he was in the world. I had thought many times about reaching out to him again to check on him. I was curious how COVID was affecting him. To see if he was okay and if he had gone back to Australia.

    But I didn’t. We had dated for a little while and ended up agreeing that it was better that we went our separate ways. I went back to the U.S. to start a new life and he was happy being a free spirit in Southeast Asia.

    Before we parted ways in Thailand, I bought two smokey quartz crystals. I gifted one to him and kept one for myself. I still have mine and keep it on my windowsill. It’s been there since I left Thailand.

    Tobey knew so many people. And he had beautiful connections with all different types of people. I was lucky to share a connection with him. And I thought that maybe our connection was insignificant because he was loved by so many.

    But he made a big impact on my life and who I am today. He always made me feel safe enough where I could speak my feelings and be vulnerable. In fact, I remember sharing bits and pieces of my story and saying wow I never told anyone that.

    I was lucky enough to know his heart. I loved hearing about the stories of his tattoos. His son. That time he spent way too much money in Hong Kong. His car accident. His childhood, how his family home was always filled with people, energy, and voices. The uncomfortable moments of his healing and recovery. How his lucky number was 3. How he fake married a girl he just met on the beach.

    Tobey was a beautiful person. And I am not sure if he knew how amazing he was. Or how much people loved and looked up to him. Leaders always have to be strong and I think he felt that burden sometimes.

    My favorite part about him was his teeth actually. They were so wild and out of control in his mouth. So imperfect and jagged. I loved the recklessness of them and how sincere they were when they popped out when he smiled.

    Tobey was wild and free and I am happy that he was able to live the life he did. Filled with travel, adventure, connection, and community.

    I wish that I had listened to my impulse to send him a photo of the smoky quartz, ask him if he still had the other one, and wish him well with words instead of keeping it all inside. It shocks me that I will never have the chance to talk to him again. That all we have left of him now are our memories.

    I send my gratitude to his spirit for holding my heart so softly, for bringing joy and adventure into my life, for showing me around Chiang Rai on the back of his bike, for holding my hand in the market, for teaching me what a healthy relationship is, for his smile, for his honesty, for his strength. Thank you. I love you. And I am sorry for all the difficult moments you had to endure in this life. We will forever miss you.

    May Tobey Martin rest in peace.

  • Hot Stone

    It is just past midnight here right now. I noticed light streaming in through my bedroom and went outside for a spliff and to gaze at the moon.

    It was just past a full moon – glowing brightly in the low sky. I started seeing sparkles and illuminated dust in its aura. Was it truly energy flowing out or were my eyes getting dizzy? My feet began feeling heavy as I stood sinking to the earth.

    My sensations and feelings don’t make sense to me. I ask myself directly: what do you feel right now? I don’t know. What if I knew?

    It doesn’t feel good – scared, insecure, cold, alone, lost, guilty. A heavy, concave feeling in my heart, my throat, my jaw. Uncertainty. Pressure. Anger, shock, the urge to explain myself. But there is nothing to be said or that I am allowed to say. Restricted because I can’t go back to change me or control them.

    The hot stone has been thrown to me and I am forced to hold it and let it burn the insides of my hands. I don’t understand. I think about why I’ve been thrown the hot stone rather why I am holding onto it.

    Drop it. Let it go. It’s not mine and I don’t have to hold it anymore. I never had to hold it. Release it. And learn to dodge.

  • Cutting Ties

    When I reflect on the amount of people who have walked in and out in my life … I see that I am the one who does most of the walking. Not because I am strong, but because I am in pain. My ego is bruised. “How dare I be treated like this” Because it is easier to hide my hurt feelings in anger. Because I feel them under my skin. Because I dont want to be the one abandoned. Because it is safer to cut them out like a tumor and try to never think about them again.

    I am ashamed of the amount of people that i’ve cut off and blocked. I knew that person’s role in my play was over and I disgraced them to the exit without any gratitude or closure.

    There are no two ways about the fact that each person i’ve ever had the opportunity to grow close to has been so important and necessary to me, my soul, and my life’s work, even though most of them are no longer around. And that’s okay. Forgive me as I am forgiving myself for any of my actions that are without love. I’m not perfect & I never will be. Thank you x

  • Dreamweaver

    I have ideas

    About the chapters in my book

    And sometimes I make plans

    But the best storyteller I know

    The skilled dream weaver

    Artist of life

    Veil of secrets

    Is the universe

    The ultimate creator

    And destroyer

    That force you feel mixing in the air

    Wondering which way

    The magic will blow

  • How To Develop Resilience & Compassion

    I seem to attract and be drawn to some dark, haunted energies as partners: Addicts, mental disorders, convicts, abusers, people not aligned with their truth and lacking self-love.

    There is a theory on the law of attraction: like attracts like. From my experiences, I can’t confirm that that is always the case. I feel that we signed up to have certain experiences before we came down to this earth. Earth is like a school and we are given tests to develop certain skills so that our souls can evolve. We also have karma with certain people that needs to be resolved. A lot of my past relationships have been about resolving those karmas. And sometimes certain souls just want to hurt you–whether they are conscious of that or not.

    I will say that my life has been wild and intense. I’ve had some difficult lessons to absorb in short amount of times. I’ve had to develop particular skills like communication, managing emotions, and boundaries. These experiences have sparked a passion within me to help those that struggle with addiction and mental illness.

    Some trauma I experienced in childhood, but most of the trauma from this lifetime has been from my relationships and different encounters with particular people.

    But to be honest, I’m quite proud that I’ve had these experiences because, somehow, I found a way to transform my pain into a tool for knowledge and awareness. It’s made me wise, sharp, and compassionate.

    We also have to consider our abusers. An abuser does not become that way without being abused themselves. There is usually some sort of illness or trauma that has made them that way.

    We cannot look at some one, no matter what they’ve done, and say oh they’re just a bad person. We are all good, but sometimes people can become ill or carry around demons and ghosts.

    We are so valid to be angry. Anger has been a strong emotion as I try to heal from my personal traumas. And it is ok to be angry, but not to wish revenge or bad things upon them. Send them love and healing just as you would wish it upon yourself, even if they don’t deserve it.

    This is what strength is– To be pure, innocent, and loving even when some one has casted their shit onto your light. Wave your abuser away with a warm smile, let them go, and work on forgiving them.

    Treat them how you would treat yourself. Consider there traumas and try not to react from their bad energy. Because when we interact with their dramas, we allow a pathway for their negative emotions to enter us.

    We can practice this for all situations big or small. From dealing with a clerk with a bad attitude to a narcissistic parent putting you down. Observe without reacting and put up your boundaries kn any instance when you are not being treated with respect.

    It’s so difficult to be loving in these situations. Everything inside us tells us to be rude back, to give them what they gave us, but it is very important that we stop the cycle.

    People who hurt you are just hurt themselves. Look at them like a lost child and teach them to heal by being a kind, loving, and patient soul. You are strong enough for that.

  • Graceful Fire – moving on, letting go, feeling nothing, and being free

    Each individual must be the one to take off their own blindfold.

    It’s all very simple how life works. It’s just a little river that we have to be patient and flexible enough to flow with. I’ve been working on letting go piece by piece and healing. And it is not a quick fix situation. It’s a full on process of transformation and grieving. A lot of grieving as I release. And it’s interesting because with loss you can be absolutely fine going about your day, but then you will hear a song or have a dream or just absolutely randomly the switch will flip and you will feel all that sadness come to you. Sometimes anger. Surprising emotions.

    It’s been a lovely experience going through all this. Well, of course, it’s also been terrible and gut-wrenching. But I’m at the end now. The rain has already come and I am sitting in a field of fruits, basking in all the rewards of my labor. So, I’ve literally never been better. Physically, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually. There is so much abundance and the world is mine.Read More

  • Stardust

    The moments and stars are in tune. Our thoughts and actions click into each other like peaceful dreams. Blades of grass and the hairs on our head, like our spirits, are always growing even though they appear to be stagnant.

    It takes a year to understand all that is contained in a day. It takes reflection to read yourself clearly. Passing thoughts with thorough contemplation reveals answers you thought only a fine tuned psychic could tell you.

    We are puzzle pieces that fit together and fall apart in the same soggy moment. It is important to see these changes, wrap them in suede and tuck them inside you. Be thankful. Every adversity and splash of bad luck has brought you to this present moment equally as much as a heavenly stroke of divine intervention.

    People cannot return to you the gifts you have poured onto them from your heart because not everyone has the same heart as you. Not everyone has your same eyes or breath and that is what makes us individuals. You are you because of you so do not tangle when I am not you because I am I. Thank everyone for their own unique essence. Their vibration is a contribution to this mystical universe.

    Love as heavy as you can. Eat love, sleep with it, throw it at people like stones through glass windows. We all need love and it does not cause you any debt to hand it out.

  • Third Eye Sight

    There are unseen energies swirling, guiding, interfering, and influencing us. Allow us to break down this veil and use this knowledge to heal, play, and manifest our most beautiful reality possible.

    We call people who can tune into the outer realms psychics and witches, but we all have this power within us. Open the doors and pull up the blinds. Breathe in your magik. Feel your vibrations pulsate waves through your body and on the skin. It is the heat in your palms. The dull heartbeat inside your skull. It is the colors flickering behind your eyelashes.

    Feel, see, hear, smell, and taste all that is outside the physical realm. Talk to it. Manifest. And indulge in this profound opportunity called life.

  • My Self-Care Regimes

    I have noticed that self-care and self-love have become an issue of neglect for us humans. I want to share all the little things that I do to nourish myself and what I experience when I lose track of things. If you have low-energy, feel lost, or stressed, it could be because you are not taking care of some aspect of yourself.

    Below is what I do to take care of myself.

    My Space / Environment

    When my room is cluttered, it means that my mind is cluttered or it is about to be. It is important to keep my space organized and tidy at all times. This means putting away my clothes as soon as I try on another outfit (life of a girl), making sure everything is folded and in its correct spot, setting my bed every morning, taking out the trash, doing dishes immediately, and getting rid of things as soon as I realize that I do not need them (recycle, give-away).

    I loved living out of my backpack while traveling because I had less items to keep track of.

    I also love to light incense, sage, and use essential oils to keep the atmosphere clear and smelling good. I open the windows and prefer to have natural light.

    Mind

    I love to exercise my mind by researching different topics that I am interested in (health, astrology, yoga). I read poetry. I also love reading up on psychological and sociological studies on the internet. I try to give my brain information so that it does not stagnate. Learning new languages and trying new skills helps this, but it is not a daily task for me.

    I also turn to meditation if I am having trouble overthinking and worrying. If this does not solve the situation, I write. I go to my journal and begin a stream of consciousness to get down to the root of my issue. I find that there are lots of things I need to get out that I did not realize were hiding inside me. If I have not written in a while or taken the time to sort out my thoughts, I will feel it as clutter in my head, rumination, confusion, and feeling lost.Read More

  • Flowers For Eyes

    I was like a little baby sponge soaking up the energies of the people around me. Especially the bad parts. I thought that I could take the weight of this whole world if it meant people could feel happy for a second. Who could think like this? I didnt realize how much it would hurt me. Steal me away from me. I jumped into everything all blind. But it wasnt a mistake. This was part of my path. And now the flowers are blooming again for Spring. It’s a great fucking time to be me right now. I’m glowing and I’ve been granted all the gifts of the universe. I’ll never be in the clear though. There’s a scared little child shaking at the thought of what might come next. Too afraid to look forward because of what has touched her in the past. I can’t do anything about what happened to me. Except be grateful because it brought me here. And life is fucking perfect at the moment. What should I say to her? Because Winter will come again. There will be forest fires and unexpected disasters. But today I am the sun. And I’ve proven that I know how to twist tragedy into transformation.