• In Memory of Tobey Martin

    The last time Tobey and I spoke was October 30th, 2019. I had (now, painfully ironic) sent him a Facebook message asking if he was still alive. Joking, but also slightly concerned. It had been months since we last connected and I know he avoided using a phone or social media.

    He had told me that he just finished a yoga teacher training in India, had left New Life, and the world was his. Happy Days, he said.

    I found out this morning that he was in Southern Thailand. I had wondered where he was in the world. I had thought many times about reaching out to him again to check on him. I was curious how COVID was affecting him. To see if he was okay and if he had gone back to Australia.

    But I didn’t. We had dated for a little while and ended up agreeing that it was better that we went our separate ways. I went back to the U.S. to start a new life and he was happy being a free spirit in Southeast Asia.

    Before we parted ways in Thailand, I bought two smokey quartz crystals. I gifted one to him and kept one for myself. I still have mine and keep it on my windowsill. It’s been there since I left Thailand.

    Tobey knew so many people. And he had beautiful connections with all different types of people. I was lucky to share a connection with him. And I thought that maybe our connection was insignificant because he was loved by so many.

    But he made a big impact on my life and who I am today. He always made me feel safe enough where I could speak my feelings and be vulnerable. In fact, I remember sharing bits and pieces of my story and saying wow I never told anyone that.

    I was lucky enough to know his heart. I loved hearing about the stories of his tattoos. His son. That time he spent way too much money in Hong Kong. His car accident. His childhood, how his family home was always filled with people, energy, and voices. The uncomfortable moments of his healing and recovery. How his lucky number was 3. How he fake married a girl he just met on the beach.

    Tobey was a beautiful person. And I am not sure if he knew how amazing he was. Or how much people loved and looked up to him. Leaders always have to be strong and I think he felt that burden sometimes.

    My favorite part about him was his teeth actually. They were so wild and out of control in his mouth. So imperfect and jagged. I loved the recklessness of them and how sincere they were when they popped out when he smiled.

    Tobey was wild and free and I am happy that he was able to live the life he did. Filled with travel, adventure, connection, and community.

    I wish that I had listened to my impulse to send him a photo of the smoky quartz, ask him if he still had the other one, and wish him well with words instead of keeping it all inside. It shocks me that I will never have the chance to talk to him again. That all we have left of him now are our memories.

    I send my gratitude to his spirit for holding my heart so softly, for bringing joy and adventure into my life, for showing me around Chiang Rai on the back of his bike, for holding my hand in the market, for teaching me what a healthy relationship is, for his smile, for his honesty, for his strength. Thank you. I love you. And I am sorry for all the difficult moments you had to endure in this life. We will forever miss you.

    May Tobey Martin rest in peace.

  • Hot Stone

    It is just past midnight here right now. I noticed light streaming in through my bedroom and went outside for a spliff and to gaze at the moon.

    It was just past a full moon – glowing brightly in the low sky. I started seeing sparkles and illuminated dust in its aura. Was it truly energy flowing out or were my eyes getting dizzy? My feet began feeling heavy as I stood sinking to the earth.

    My sensations and feelings don’t make sense to me. I ask myself directly: what do you feel right now? I don’t know. What if I knew?

    It doesn’t feel good – scared, insecure, cold, alone, lost, guilty. A heavy, concave feeling in my heart, my throat, my jaw. Uncertainty. Pressure. Anger, shock, the urge to explain myself. But there is nothing to be said or that I am allowed to say. Restricted because I can’t go back to change me or control them.

    The hot stone has been thrown to me and I am forced to hold it and let it burn the insides of my hands. I don’t understand. I think about why I’ve been thrown the hot stone rather why I am holding onto it.

    Drop it. Let it go. It’s not mine and I don’t have to hold it anymore. I never had to hold it. Release it. And learn to dodge.

  • Allure of the No

    I didn’t build a lighthouse on purpose
    Don’t start construction inside me
    Because I know you won’t
    Have the patience to understand
    The ecology of my mind
    To sit down
    To untangle my thoughts
    Thread by thread
    Dear you might end up dead
    It’s cold in here
    But only when you’re close
    I won’t even let you try
    Shut your ears
    Close your eyes
    Keep on drifting by

  • Isolation & Connecting Back to Yourself

    For a long time, I have felt that people’s biggest problems all stem from the fact that they are moving too fast through life and don’t take a second to breathe, pause, and think about where they are going.

    Although a world-wide pandemic that is taking lives, keeping us locked up in our homes, and hurting the economy is, ultimately, not the best situation, let us find something positive from it. Like all tragedies, there is always a blessing that comes from it.

    For the first time in a year, I have only had to work one job. Before, I was working three just to survive. And, although I am not making as much money as before, I have more time for myself. More time to rest and think about my future.

    Because of COVID-19, I had to close down my yoga studio. Instead, I have adapted and I am now teaching yoga online. This is something that I have always wanted to create, but never had the push.

    I have had time to think about where my life is going. Am I doing what I love? I have not been writing or painting as much as I used to. Any free time I have, I use it to sleep or spend time with my boyfriend. I miss having lunch with my family. I miss taking long walks and exploring the woods. I miss having energy.

    Am I where I want to be? What pulls at me the most is the fact that, in my heart, I know I am not done traveling. I know that I am not ready to settle yet. I realized how young and full of life I still am.

    And, now, I can begin preparing for where I want my life to go. What is going to make me the happiest? What is my truth? And, I am hoping, that people all over the world are starting to realize what their heart is calling them to do. With work, relationships, family, going out, our heart can’t compete with all the outside noise.

    I feel that once this is all over, we will be changed. We will evolve and grow and make our lives better. Perhaps some of us will jump back into the grind, but I think a lot of us will be more mindful.

    What does your heart call you to do? How do feel about this time of isolation?

  • Love That Over-Powers

    I had to pause and stare off into space for a while before putting my fingers on the keyboard to type. I am thinking about where I was one year ago, who I loved, and what I felt.

    There were frequent sensations of fog. And I would often feel lost and blocked. I yearned to step into my power and passion, but was blocked by my dead-end relationship & lack of foundations and support.

    I think a lot about who I was back in Thailand and I shiver when I picture returning to that phase of my life. Because my heart broke into a million pieces and sometimes I feel like it will never go back to the way it was. Like a vibrant and naive child before war.

    When I search deep within my heart, I cannot understand how I was able to love like I did. Open, exposed, ready to carry any burden, and sacrifice anything available to keep the fire burning.

    I am still afraid of how enduring that love was. How weak and un-established my self-power was to allow my heart to pour out.

    When we make it through intense relationships like this, we check in with ourselves: Do I still love them? // Will I ever love like that again? // How would I react if they walked through the door right now?

    I remember my chest burning from anger. Feeling drained after talking in circles, explaining my point of view. Unheard. Dismissed. Ignored. Feeling sad and defeated after a text I sent was read, but not replied.

    Today, I am free. Today, I dance around and run through fields of flowers without looking back. I’m weird. I’m honest. And I am so loved.

    For the first time, I know what it’s like to be cherished. Enveloped in warmth & care. By some one who would die for me. Who loves me when I am weak, when I am strong, when I am cranky, when I am in pain, when I am fun, and when I am stressed. Who in your life has the strength to lift you? Who has the courage to lean on you? Who is the one who brings you peace?

    The solution to finding true love is, sometimes, loving the wrong person, loving too hard, or not enough. We have to suffer so much that we make it a point to create the antidote.

    Kill all hope. Stop fighting. The right one won’t let you walk away.

    It’s okay to let yourself die. I know it is scary to watch yourself fall, but you will be born again. Born better. Stronger. And the most important thing to remember is that you are the priority, the most precious, the flower. Not the bees.

  • Cutting Ties

    When I reflect on the amount of people who have walked in and out in my life … I see that I am the one who does most of the walking. Not because I am strong, but because I am in pain. My ego is bruised. “How dare I be treated like this” Because it is easier to hide my hurt feelings in anger. Because I feel them under my skin. Because I dont want to be the one abandoned. Because it is safer to cut them out like a tumor and try to never think about them again.

    I am ashamed of the amount of people that i’ve cut off and blocked. I knew that person’s role in my play was over and I disgraced them to the exit without any gratitude or closure.

    There are no two ways about the fact that each person i’ve ever had the opportunity to grow close to has been so important and necessary to me, my soul, and my life’s work, even though most of them are no longer around. And that’s okay. Forgive me as I am forgiving myself for any of my actions that are without love. I’m not perfect & I never will be. Thank you x

  • Dreamweaver

    I have ideas

    About the chapters in my book

    And sometimes I make plans

    But the best storyteller I know

    The skilled dream weaver

    Artist of life

    Veil of secrets

    Is the universe

    The ultimate creator

    And destroyer

    That force you feel mixing in the air

    Wondering which way

    The magic will blow

  • Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    LISTEN
    I promise you
    That it is getting better
    Imagine driving
    Thinking
    Daydreaming
    In LOVE
    And realize
    You are HAPPY
    And not only happy
    But straight BLESSED
    Whoever hurt you
    Is waking up today
    At the same time
    Realizing
    How much better it used to be
    When you were around
    Because GIRL
    You are the light
    The lavender fields
    And volcano sunsets
    That keep the rest of us going
    You are hope
    And don’t you waste ANY time
    Feeling sad about people
    Who are infested with demons
    Who are BLIND
    To your shine
    You helped them more than you know
    But now
    It’s time for you
    To
    Step
    Into
    Your
    POWER

    I was literally driving today on my way to teach yoga and realized that my present is so much better than my past. I was so happy that I felt bitter because of how I had allowed myself to be subjected to such low frequencies.

    I kept saying yes to the wrong people and getting tangled up in the wrong situations over and over again. Until I hit the lowest of the lows: the breaking point: the self intervention: the collapse into despair.

    It has been one year of processing through my own shit that was triggered, realizing that I am worth much more than the people around me were treating me as and saying NO over and over again because I am not going to take whatever I can get. I want the best of the best. And it has arrived.

    This poem was inspired by things people have said to me, things I’ve said to myself, and things I want to say to any woman whose worth has not been fully realized by the people around her.

    Stay blessed x

  • How To Develop Resilience & Compassion

    I seem to attract and be drawn to some dark, haunted energies as partners: Addicts, mental disorders, convicts, abusers, people not aligned with their truth and lacking self-love.

    There is a theory on the law of attraction: like attracts like. From my experiences, I can’t confirm that that is always the case. I feel that we signed up to have certain experiences before we came down to this earth. Earth is like a school and we are given tests to develop certain skills so that our souls can evolve. We also have karma with certain people that needs to be resolved. A lot of my past relationships have been about resolving those karmas. And sometimes certain souls just want to hurt you–whether they are conscious of that or not.

    I will say that my life has been wild and intense. I’ve had some difficult lessons to absorb in short amount of times. I’ve had to develop particular skills like communication, managing emotions, and boundaries. These experiences have sparked a passion within me to help those that struggle with addiction and mental illness.

    Some trauma I experienced in childhood, but most of the trauma from this lifetime has been from my relationships and different encounters with particular people.

    But to be honest, I’m quite proud that I’ve had these experiences because, somehow, I found a way to transform my pain into a tool for knowledge and awareness. It’s made me wise, sharp, and compassionate.

    We also have to consider our abusers. An abuser does not become that way without being abused themselves. There is usually some sort of illness or trauma that has made them that way.

    We cannot look at some one, no matter what they’ve done, and say oh they’re just a bad person. We are all good, but sometimes people can become ill or carry around demons and ghosts.

    We are so valid to be angry. Anger has been a strong emotion as I try to heal from my personal traumas. And it is ok to be angry, but not to wish revenge or bad things upon them. Send them love and healing just as you would wish it upon yourself, even if they don’t deserve it.

    This is what strength is– To be pure, innocent, and loving even when some one has casted their shit onto your light. Wave your abuser away with a warm smile, let them go, and work on forgiving them.

    Treat them how you would treat yourself. Consider there traumas and try not to react from their bad energy. Because when we interact with their dramas, we allow a pathway for their negative emotions to enter us.

    We can practice this for all situations big or small. From dealing with a clerk with a bad attitude to a narcissistic parent putting you down. Observe without reacting and put up your boundaries kn any instance when you are not being treated with respect.

    It’s so difficult to be loving in these situations. Everything inside us tells us to be rude back, to give them what they gave us, but it is very important that we stop the cycle.

    People who hurt you are just hurt themselves. Look at them like a lost child and teach them to heal by being a kind, loving, and patient soul. You are strong enough for that.

  • Graceful Fire – moving on, letting go, feeling nothing, and being free

    Each individual must be the one to take off their own blindfold.

    It’s all very simple how life works. It’s just a little river that we have to be patient and flexible enough to flow with. I’ve been working on letting go piece by piece and healing. And it is not a quick fix situation. It’s a full on process of transformation and grieving. A lot of grieving as I release. And it’s interesting because with loss you can be absolutely fine going about your day, but then you will hear a song or have a dream or just absolutely randomly the switch will flip and you will feel all that sadness come to you. Sometimes anger. Surprising emotions.

    It’s been a lovely experience going through all this. Well, of course, it’s also been terrible and gut-wrenching. But I’m at the end now. The rain has already come and I am sitting in a field of fruits, basking in all the rewards of my labor. So, I’ve literally never been better. Physically, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually. There is so much abundance and the world is mine.Read More