• What it’s like To Own A Yoga Studio

    It has been exactly one year since I first opened my studio and it is has been nothing but a whirlwind. Emotions that come to mind are stress, exhaustion, freedom, despair, and strength.

    The yoga industry is very saturated

    Yoga teachers are fighting for work and yoga studios are nothing less than competitive. You have to be unique, different, offer extras, while also being affordable. People have to trust you, know you exist, and want to keep coming back.

    It has been time-consuming work to provide social media content, customize the website, advertise, talk with people, post flyers, etc. The hardest part is getting new clients through the door.

    The amount of free classes and workshops and TIME that I’ve given away frustrates me. I work so much that when I finally have a day off, I sleep for 12 hours, lay in bed all day, and take another nap. I even find it difficult to make myself a meal or shower or brush my hair. I’ve also had to work 2 other jobs just to survive.

    People

    Through my experiences with people, I have found that people are mostly unreliable. Whether they say they are going to come to class and not show or that they want to help and end up causing more stress, I have been left with a bad taste in my mouth too many times to count. Always have people reserve their space in a workshop or class with money not with a verbal promise!

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  • To Teach or Not To Teach Yoga at a Nursing Home

    I quickly realized that in order to survive, let alone be successful, as a yoga teacher, I needed to expand my horizons. This meant that only teaching at a studio was not going to cut it. So, I got creative.

    I looked into what it would be like to teach Chair Yoga at a Nursing Home. After calling and emailing a number of different places in my local area and offering some free demos, I landed a few gigs.

    I had never taught Chair Yoga before. So, I looked up Youtube videos and read articles about what to do. I discovered that it would be easy enough.

    Here are 5 things that I noticed about what makes teaching yoga at a nursing home different than any other setting and what I learned:

    Not everyone will participate.

    Most of the time, I felt like I was an entertainer instead of a yoga teacher because no one really participated. I had one or two people out of twenty who would try and follow along with me, but most of the people in the room were sleeping, telling me to stop, trying to leave the room, or too confused and/or sedated to do anything.

    I also volunteer at a non-profit Adult Day Care facility as well and it is a small group of participants (about 8 people) and they all participate. This facility is much more organized and chooses to bring people in the room who actually want to do yoga. Sometimes, it depends where you are teaching at.

    Find ways to get them engaged.

    Since I was having difficulty getting everyone to participate, I tried adding in fun little extras to get them engaged. I started bringing in my speakers to play music. I tried so many types of music, from relaxing to rock music, and found that if the music was calming yet upbeat, it created a nice energy in the room.

    I also utilized my essential oils. This worked the best! I would put a drop of oil in my palms and go to each person and have them take a breath. One time at the beginning and another at the end. They all really seemed to enjoy this.

    I also experimented with the lights and closing the door to the rec room, so that it felt more like an experience. Nevertheless, people were always in and out whether it was nurses or visiting family members, it was difficult to avoid a disruption.

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  • Isolation & Connecting Back to Yourself

    For a long time, I have felt that people’s biggest problems all stem from the fact that they are moving too fast through life and don’t take a second to breathe, pause, and think about where they are going.

    Although a world-wide pandemic that is taking lives, keeping us locked up in our homes, and hurting the economy is, ultimately, not the best situation, let us find something positive from it. Like all tragedies, there is always a blessing that comes from it.

    For the first time in a year, I have only had to work one job. Before, I was working three just to survive. And, although I am not making as much money as before, I have more time for myself. More time to rest and think about my future.

    Because of COVID-19, I had to close down my yoga studio. Instead, I have adapted and I am now teaching yoga online. This is something that I have always wanted to create, but never had the push.

    I have had time to think about where my life is going. Am I doing what I love? I have not been writing or painting as much as I used to. Any free time I have, I use it to sleep or spend time with my boyfriend. I miss having lunch with my family. I miss taking long walks and exploring the woods. I miss having energy.

    Am I where I want to be? What pulls at me the most is the fact that, in my heart, I know I am not done traveling. I know that I am not ready to settle yet. I realized how young and full of life I still am.

    And, now, I can begin preparing for where I want my life to go. What is going to make me the happiest? What is my truth? And, I am hoping, that people all over the world are starting to realize what their heart is calling them to do. With work, relationships, family, going out, our heart can’t compete with all the outside noise.

    I feel that once this is all over, we will be changed. We will evolve and grow and make our lives better. Perhaps some of us will jump back into the grind, but I think a lot of us will be more mindful.

    What does your heart call you to do? How do feel about this time of isolation?

  • Love That Over-Powers

    I had to pause and stare off into space for a while before putting my fingers on the keyboard to type. I am thinking about where I was one year ago, who I loved, and what I felt.

    There were frequent sensations of fog. And I would often feel lost and blocked. I yearned to step into my power and passion, but was blocked by my dead-end relationship & lack of foundations and support.

    I think a lot about who I was back in Thailand and I shiver when I picture returning to that phase of my life. Because my heart broke into a million pieces and sometimes I feel like it will never go back to the way it was. Like a vibrant and naive child before war.

    When I search deep within my heart, I cannot understand how I was able to love like I did. Open, exposed, ready to carry any burden, and sacrifice anything available to keep the fire burning.

    I am still afraid of how enduring that love was. How weak and un-established my self-power was to allow my heart to pour out.

    When we make it through intense relationships like this, we check in with ourselves: Do I still love them? // Will I ever love like that again? // How would I react if they walked through the door right now?

    I remember my chest burning from anger. Feeling drained after talking in circles, explaining my point of view. Unheard. Dismissed. Ignored. Feeling sad and defeated after a text I sent was read, but not replied.

    Today, I am free. Today, I dance around and run through fields of flowers without looking back. I’m weird. I’m honest. And I am so loved.

    For the first time, I know what it’s like to be cherished. Enveloped in warmth & care. By some one who would die for me. Who loves me when I am weak, when I am strong, when I am cranky, when I am in pain, when I am fun, and when I am stressed. Who in your life has the strength to lift you? Who has the courage to lean on you? Who is the one who brings you peace?

    The solution to finding true love is, sometimes, loving the wrong person, loving too hard, or not enough. We have to suffer so much that we make it a point to create the antidote.

    Kill all hope. Stop fighting. The right one won’t let you walk away.

    It’s okay to let yourself die. I know it is scary to watch yourself fall, but you will be born again. Born better. Stronger. And the most important thing to remember is that you are the priority, the most precious, the flower. Not the bees.

  • Cutting Ties

    When I reflect on the amount of people who have walked in and out in my life … I see that I am the one who does most of the walking. Not because I am strong, but because I am in pain. My ego is bruised. “How dare I be treated like this” Because it is easier to hide my hurt feelings in anger. Because I feel them under my skin. Because I dont want to be the one abandoned. Because it is safer to cut them out like a tumor and try to never think about them again.

    I am ashamed of the amount of people that i’ve cut off and blocked. I knew that person’s role in my play was over and I disgraced them to the exit without any gratitude or closure.

    There are no two ways about the fact that each person i’ve ever had the opportunity to grow close to has been so important and necessary to me, my soul, and my life’s work, even though most of them are no longer around. And that’s okay. Forgive me as I am forgiving myself for any of my actions that are without love. I’m not perfect & I never will be. Thank you x

  • Dreamweaver

    I have ideas

    About the chapters in my book

    And sometimes I make plans

    But the best storyteller I know

    The skilled dream weaver

    Artist of life

    Veil of secrets

    Is the universe

    The ultimate creator

    And destroyer

    That force you feel mixing in the air

    Wondering which way

    The magic will blow

  • Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    Girl, They Don’t Know Your Worth

    LISTEN
    I promise you
    That it is getting better
    Imagine driving
    Thinking
    Daydreaming
    In LOVE
    And realize
    You are HAPPY
    And not only happy
    But straight BLESSED
    Whoever hurt you
    Is waking up today
    At the same time
    Realizing
    How much better it used to be
    When you were around
    Because GIRL
    You are the light
    The lavender fields
    And volcano sunsets
    That keep the rest of us going
    You are hope
    And don’t you waste ANY time
    Feeling sad about people
    Who are infested with demons
    Who are BLIND
    To your shine
    You helped them more than you know
    But now
    It’s time for you
    To
    Step
    Into
    Your
    POWER

    I was literally driving today on my way to teach yoga and realized that my present is so much better than my past. I was so happy that I felt bitter because of how I had allowed myself to be subjected to such low frequencies.

    I kept saying yes to the wrong people and getting tangled up in the wrong situations over and over again. Until I hit the lowest of the lows: the breaking point: the self intervention: the collapse into despair.

    It has been one year of processing through my own shit that was triggered, realizing that I am worth much more than the people around me were treating me as and saying NO over and over again because I am not going to take whatever I can get. I want the best of the best. And it has arrived.

    This poem was inspired by things people have said to me, things I’ve said to myself, and things I want to say to any woman whose worth has not been fully realized by the people around her.

    Stay blessed x

  • How To Develop Resilience & Compassion

    I seem to attract and be drawn to some dark, haunted energies as partners: Addicts, mental disorders, convicts, abusers, people not aligned with their truth and lacking self-love.

    There is a theory on the law of attraction: like attracts like. From my experiences, I can’t confirm that that is always the case. I feel that we signed up to have certain experiences before we came down to this earth. Earth is like a school and we are given tests to develop certain skills so that our souls can evolve. We also have karma with certain people that needs to be resolved. A lot of my past relationships have been about resolving those karmas. And sometimes certain souls just want to hurt you–whether they are conscious of that or not.

    I will say that my life has been wild and intense. I’ve had some difficult lessons to absorb in short amount of times. I’ve had to develop particular skills like communication, managing emotions, and boundaries. These experiences have sparked a passion within me to help those that struggle with addiction and mental illness.

    Some trauma I experienced in childhood, but most of the trauma from this lifetime has been from my relationships and different encounters with particular people.

    But to be honest, I’m quite proud that I’ve had these experiences because, somehow, I found a way to transform my pain into a tool for knowledge and awareness. It’s made me wise, sharp, and compassionate.

    We also have to consider our abusers. An abuser does not become that way without being abused themselves. There is usually some sort of illness or trauma that has made them that way.

    We cannot look at some one, no matter what they’ve done, and say oh they’re just a bad person. We are all good, but sometimes people can become ill or carry around demons and ghosts.

    We are so valid to be angry. Anger has been a strong emotion as I try to heal from my personal traumas. And it is ok to be angry, but not to wish revenge or bad things upon them. Send them love and healing just as you would wish it upon yourself, even if they don’t deserve it.

    This is what strength is– To be pure, innocent, and loving even when some one has casted their shit onto your light. Wave your abuser away with a warm smile, let them go, and work on forgiving them.

    Treat them how you would treat yourself. Consider there traumas and try not to react from their bad energy. Because when we interact with their dramas, we allow a pathway for their negative emotions to enter us.

    We can practice this for all situations big or small. From dealing with a clerk with a bad attitude to a narcissistic parent putting you down. Observe without reacting and put up your boundaries kn any instance when you are not being treated with respect.

    It’s so difficult to be loving in these situations. Everything inside us tells us to be rude back, to give them what they gave us, but it is very important that we stop the cycle.

    People who hurt you are just hurt themselves. Look at them like a lost child and teach them to heal by being a kind, loving, and patient soul. You are strong enough for that.

  • Graceful Fire – moving on, letting go, feeling nothing, and being free

    Each individual must be the one to take off their own blindfold.

    It’s all very simple how life works. It’s just a little river that we have to be patient and flexible enough to flow with. I’ve been working on letting go piece by piece and healing. And it is not a quick fix situation. It’s a full on process of transformation and grieving. A lot of grieving as I release. And it’s interesting because with loss you can be absolutely fine going about your day, but then you will hear a song or have a dream or just absolutely randomly the switch will flip and you will feel all that sadness come to you. Sometimes anger. Surprising emotions.

    It’s been a lovely experience going through all this. Well, of course, it’s also been terrible and gut-wrenching. But I’m at the end now. The rain has already come and I am sitting in a field of fruits, basking in all the rewards of my labor. So, I’ve literally never been better. Physically, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually. There is so much abundance and the world is mine.Read More

  • Fading Retribution: A Letter on Loss & Grief

    Grief surprises you in waves. Sometimes there’s nothing to feel and other times bedridden. I’m not moving on, I am moving through. This process takes time. Be patient, be strong, be weak, and never be ashamed for feeling what you feel no matter how long it has been.

    Even after months have gone by, there are still memories that I replay. Things we used to watch, inside jokes, that song you loved. I’ll laugh alone and feel like you are in the same room with me. I’ll listen to that song you showed me over and over and think of you stopping our conversation to sing the lyrics. I know that it was true. That what I felt was real, but I still don’t understand your convolution of feelings. Sometimes I diagnose you with personality disorders. It is easier to put you into a category when I feel angry at how much you lied and led me on a trail of bread crumbs to a goddamn nuclear wipe out. But you are much more complex than a narcissist. I think you do care how fucking lost and tangled up you are, but lack skill in climbing out of the holes that you’ve dug.

    I think about all the other people who have taken up space in your heart. All those who have passed through you and haven’t stuck. And those that are cemented in. I hope that I will not be forgotten, but I know that you are trying to. Out of sight, out of mind they say, but I know we still haunt each other.

    I think that out of everyone, you’ve hurt me the worst . This wound is gaping and it still fucking bleeds. Not everyday, no. I do forget. But I am often reminded. It is fucking ridiculous how much I feel. This hangover of grief that still lingers in my spirit. And it feels unfair because I know you are not going through this. I know that you’re better at turning it all off and burying yourself in distractions.

    I don’t know what it is like to be you. What it must be like to lose yourself. To lose some one you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. To need some one, but they cannot be reached.

    Actually, I do know a bit about what that is like. You’ve passed that pain and loss onto me. A burden you had no right to give me, but I happily accepted because I would have done anything for you. I would have died for you. And it sounds fucking dramatic, but I am profoundly amazed at how in love I was. Our connection. It was stunning.

    I hate the way you treated me, how dishonest you were about the situation, and how you fucking destroyed my heart. It’s never going to be the same. And I hate the way I’m still grieving. I hate the way I don’t trust anyone anymore. I hate the way I’m scared of losing my power again. Of being abandoned.

    I have dreams about you sometimes. I fucking hate dreaming about you by the way.

    I have so much love for you, I just don’t know where to put it anymore. I miss you so fucking much, but you have lost any sort of privilege to be in my life. The moment you stopped valuing me, the moment you allowed your demons to sink me to the bottom while you stepped on my head for a breath of air is when you lost your right to be in my life. You are home to me, but you are also a flesh-eating disease.

    I just hope that you figure it out. That you grow from this and blossom into a person who is healthy, happy, and open. You always said that you just wanted me to be happy and I was so happy with you. All I’ve ever wanted is you. But it is you who needs to figure out how to be happy. I am fine as I am. I don’t need you, but it would have been nice to take on the world with you.